(251//365) I wanna miss you and want you and have to wait in painful and glorious anticipation to see you. I wanna love you. I wanna finally see you and pretend to smile but really smile and be coy and cute and overwhelmed with relief at your presence. I wanna be ecstatic and loving and completely vulnerable with you but not too vulnerable because I'm no stranger to pain but I still despise it. And I wanna hold you and breathe in and out and in again and hold you inside me just for a minute until I need to breathe again. I wanna watch you cook us dinner with your crafty two hands and smile at me every few seconds when you catch me watching you. I wanna wonder how I lived so long without you. And I wanna share a meal with you and have some drinks and watch a wonderfully stupid movie. I wanna hear you laugh. And I wanna rest my head on you and stroke the skin on your sunburnt arms and feel completely safe in you. I wanna attempt in vain to say thank you awkwardly or tell you to shut up when you tell me I'm beautiful for the 87th time. I wanna be beautiful for you.
And I wanna sit outside in the dark except for the light of the distant moon with you and marvel at the perfectly ludicrous idea that men have traveled that far from home. We're both far from home and yet here we are - contently home. I wanna get high with you and listen as you struggle to make sense and we laugh in unison and we take another hit as we both claim we shouldn't take another hit. And I wanna discuss all the beautiful places we both wanna run away to and pretend that turning dreams into reality is as easy as throwing the blanket off you on a chilly morning and jumping out of bed in uncomfortable but exhilarating anticipation of another day. And I wanna talk about your family and your past and my family and my past and all the hurt and I wanna be a refuge for you and you for me. I wanna wish I had been there through all your hard times and wonder where I had been and apologize for having not been there. And I wanna watch you watching the strangers walking down the dimly lit street laughing and wonder what they're doing out so late on a Tuesday night. I wanna come inside and peel my clothes off and crawl under the warm blankets and wait for you to join me and I wanna curl into you when I'm finally done with this day and thank you and I wanna love you.