Needless to say, when I learned in early 2023 that here in Oklahoma, we would be in the path of totality for 2024’s eclipse, we knew immediately we would be seeing it.
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You Are a Motherf*%$ing Force /
As of today, it’s been one whole entire huge tiny long quick gigantic short surreal transformative passionate trying wonderful exhausting year since I first got to look into your big eyes, baby
I am still gobsmacked by the strange magic of it all. Strange, shiny, messy, beautiful, incomprehensible magic.
Right Woman in the Wrong Timeline /
I sometimes feel like the right woman in the wrong timeline. Or the wrong woman in the right timeline. Does that make sense?
Read MoreLittle Lists /
Things I love:
The way she dances to Queen
Her laugh, her big toothless grin
Giving kisses with her forehead
The Hannibal Lecter thing she does with her tongue
There is Only Light /
I am much more protective of my feelings on motherhood than anything else in life. I am still working on unraveling just why exactly. I suspect because they are not always overwhelmingly exuberant, which I feel mothers rarely see mirrored or represented outside the darkest recesses of our minds. We are inundated with nothing but the happy wonderfulness so there is a built-in shame in feeling anything but, perhaps.
Read MoreAnd then we were... /
Last February, I found out I was pregnant.
Here’s what happened next.
Moments of Doubt and Darkness /
Lately I’ve drowned in thoughts and anxieties that shout the words: why-is-this-so-fucking-hard & why-aren’t-I-stronger into my own echo chamber and then I remember something I read recently that really resonated: Sleep deprivation is an actual kind of torture. It is. and needlessly, I had surrendered to moments of doubt and darkness about the strength of my family and our resolve and our indestructibility as a unit but especially about mine and my husband’s status as a team. But only because I did not truly respect the intensity of the obstacles we’ve faced. And cleared.
Read MoreEternities Exist Between Dawn and Dusk /
his sweet babe is 5 months old today. Time passes so quickly, I’m always left with the tragic relentless feeling that I’m not fully appreciating or as present for every precious moment as I should be. For her, the days are still long enduring intervals in which eternities exist between dawn and dusk. For me, it feels as if every morning I have awoken from a long coma and she seems so much older than the baby I put to sleep the night before. It’s one of the hardest parts of motherhood for me.
Read MoreEverything to Lose /
I haven’t felt the unease of discontent or is-this-where-I-belong inquisitions I had grown so accustomed to in previous chapters in enough time that I finally took notice. Suddenly the asphalt under my feet became air and I was floating. And then fear tore me from the clouds and returned me to the bitter earth.
Read MoreLove in the Moon's Shadow /
The trip was of course, wonderful, until the last 30 minutes of the drive home when Serenica's engine began stalling on us whenever we'd drop beneath a certain speed (hoping it's a minor fix!). Fortunately, after stalling out on several occasions and getting it restarted again, she died right inside our RV storage lot gate and wouldn't turn over.
Read MoreMarried Once More /
Two days ago on Friday (May 5th), I married my very best friend.
Read MoreBe the man /
Be with a man that changes your assumptions about fate,
about destiny and probability.
Be with a man who gives you faith, or takes it,
So long as he affects it.
Her Graces /
I think every woman has a dear friend who can't appreciate her own beauty. In fact, I think nearly every woman is a woman who can't appreciate her own beauty. How many women do you personally know like that? Even more important, how long have you been looking in the mirror and cursing what you see?
Read MoreWe Came From Something /
We came from nothing, you know, from sand and mineral, from water and air, from the dying stars we grieved long before time ever was.I think I’m still in mourning. My body has always sensed the loss.
Read MoreGratitude and Equanimity /
I’m not sure I’ll ever forgive the 15 years of time that existed between knowing you and loving you; but maybe it’s hollow lamenting not-knowings, past lives you were only a part of in obscure ways, or distances we utilized as justifications to exist separately in the universe. It feels wrong indulging such a twinge in my heart over something that finally submerged me in much needed hope, happiness, love, and fruition, because I’m anything but ungrateful.
Read MoreIdaho (and a little Wyoming) /
“When we get out of the glass bottle of our ego and when we escape like the squirrels in the cage of our personality and get into the forest again, we shall shiver with cold and fright. But things will happen to us so that we don’t know ourselves. Cool, unlying life will rush in.” —D. H. Lawrence
Read MoreMaybe It's Not a Big Deal /
You're like a walking sun, but maybe it's not a big deal. Maybe it's not a big deal that you take care of me in ways foreign to me, that I can physically feel your love for me emanating from every pore of your body, that it's you and me against the world.
Read MoreFridge Poetry /
Last night we hung out in the kitchen partaking in fridge poetry. Dear universe, sometimes it's too sweet and good to be true.
Read MoreBorn Looking for You /
I was born looking for you. I was born in fragments, permeable and porous. I was taught that we are each whole persons, that we are not halves seeking to be made whole, that no other body could complete our own.
Read MoreBrandon, Kristin, and Adalynn /
Little girls are truly magical, aren't they? Well, that's my opinion since I don't personally have one and thus get to run away laughing maniacally into the sunset when the impressive temper tantrums and glistening little girl tears start flooding the streets of Denver.
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